The Boneman

Against idealism. A meditation on parenting.

I am a self-professed ideologue.  I like big ideas, theories, systems, and meta-narratives.  As it relates to parenting, I like the thought of my kids learning Latin and Greek in elementary school, focusing on the great texts of western civilization, and having a curriculum that tracks with the "classical" Trivium.  All good stuff.  I like it and we're pursuing it by putting our kids in a local Classical Christian school. 

Problem is, raising and educating good kids is not about third declensions and Homer - or even about learning a certain catechism.

In "The Tipping Point," Malcom Gladwell points out several studies on parenting that show "peer groups" turn out to be the most significant contributor to behavior and attitudes in our development - over and against "nature" or "nurture."  He doesn't discount the role of genetics or of family environment, but points to studies of twins and non-twins that demonstrate that our peers are the biggest influence on our trajectory into adulthood.  I was fascinated to learn that kids in bad / broken homes but good neighborhoods did well into adulthood, and vice versa.  If you grow up in a strong family, but you fall into the wrong crowd and are surrounded by bad examples the risk of peril is much higher.

I don't think this is quite as simple as the "socialization" argument that anti-homeschoolers make.  The socialization argument seems to be more about protecting kids from geekdom.  Gladwell's point is bigger than that.  The point is that we are communal beings and we will adopt the standards of the community we find ourselves in - or want to be a part of.

At one level, this is not a big surprise.  We all know that "bad company corrupts good character."  And yet... for so many ideologues like myself, we need to think very hard about what lengths we go to pursue certain educational goals while potentially isolating our kids from the community they NEED to have with their own peers.  This is not easy, as many readers will readily acknowledge.  We can't let our kids roam the neighborhood anymore.  Public schools are overrun with children raised by the State.  Little leagues are used as incubators for professional atheletes.  Finding peer groups for our children is not an easy task at all.

As my children grow older, I know that I need to focus more on this "tipping point" in the lives of my boys.  I may have to sacrifice some of my educational / catechetical ideals to pursue what they need in a peer group.  After all, our kids are not ideas.

The little things are the big things...

As you may have noticed, I've been reading a couple of books by Malcolm Gladwell, specifically, "The Tipping Point" and "Blink."  His working thesis in both books is that the major movers in behavior and thought are not grand / macro schemes and theories, but small catalysts and subconscious reactions.  Both are fascinating reads that I commend to you all.

I have to confess that I tend to agree with him - and yet I find his project unsettling.  I've always been a big-picture / from 50,000 feet kind of guy.  I've always leaned towards Gestalt, but Gladwell is shattering that lens.  Instead of trying to see the totality of something to assess it, I need to look for smaller clues at a much lower level.

The implications of this are huge in business / marketing, theology, raising my kids, and pretty much every other area I operate.  Making the switch from the macro-strategic to the micro-tactical is going to take awhile - and it scares me because I have always found comfort in meta-narratives and integrative frameworks. 

Next post will be on how this is impacting my view of parenting.  Stay tuned...

Movie Dad's 2008 Review

Iron Man - (Fantastic)  I think this will go down as one of the all-time classic superhero movies.  Well worth seeing and my 11 & 10 year old boys loved it.

WALL-E (Good)  There is little question that this was quite a story-telling / cinematic achievement.  Nevertheless, my kids were bored.  It moved a bit slow and in some ways seemed geared towards adults.  I'm a little weary of the hyper-environmentalism messages out there, but no biggie.  

Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian (Good)  I didn't come into the movie as a CS Lewis wonk or purist.  Frankly, I had forgotten the story of the book, so I didn't view it through that lens.  The movie worked well as a sequel and my kids and I liked it.  

Kung Fu Panda (Good Enough)  I like Jack Black so this movie had a leg up to begin with.  The story was fun and moved at a pace that keeps you interested.  The kids enjoyed it and it met my expectations.

Indiana Jones and the... blah, blah, whatever (Ok, I guess)  Let's put it this way - it was cool to take my kids to a new Indy movie.  It brought back memories of being their age - excited just to hear the theme music start.  The film was pretty disappointing in several respects, but I kind of figured it would be, so...

"How do your kids sit through church?!"

Gina and I decided early on that we wanted our kids to sit through the whole church service.  That was born out of a matrix of convictions I won't unpack here, but suffice it to say that God has blessed us and our four boys (ages 10, 9, 6, 4) all sit through church without incident.

On a weekly basis we are asked, "How do your kids sit through church?!"  I will attempt a brief reply:

1.  It starts by not viewing our boys as a pack of wild animals.  I'm serious about that.  They have their moments and are certainly a playful bunch, but we have never bought into the notion that boys are just going to be de facto bouncing off the walls.  Our working assumption is that they are little bundles of energy who need constant structure, discipline, and reward.  If you assume that they "can't" or "won't" do something - guess what?  You're right.  So much of parenting is self-fulfilling prophecy.

2.  We try to coach them on the way to church concerning worship - Who we are meeting with, what is going on, what is expected, etc.  Think of it as catechism on the way to church.

3.  With our oldest two boys, there was a lot of discipline in the beginning.  And by discipline, I mean spanking.  We had the most success using a glue stick (from a glue gun, not the preschool kind).  If the kids got overly fidgety we would open Gina's purse and show them the glue stick.  The warning worked most of the time, but there were many times that we pulled a struggling toddler out for a little time with the "rod."  Our youngest two didn't require much discipline because they just mirrored the older brothers' behavior.

4.  We don't allow TV or video games on Sunday mornings because we discovered it started them off down the "time to play" track. 

5.  We give them a good breakfast and bathe them.

6.  We let them scribble when the sermon starts.

7.  When they were young we brought a snack for them to eat during the sermon.

8.  We made them stand during standing parts of the service so they could participate and stretch their legs.

9.  We reward them for good behavior after the service.  Food, video games, whatever.  It all works.

10.  We ask them after church what they heard or learned in church.  We're not looking for a particular answer, it is the exercise that counts.

In short, we approach church just like we approach any number of other parts of our life with young boys.  You have certain expectations, you prepare them for what you expect, you enforce behaviors with discipline / rewards, and you engage them at whatever level they are at to encourage participation.  There is no real mystery, and your boys CAN do it, but it comes down to YOUR choices and behaviors as a PARENT.

Covenant Children: Evangelism or Nurture?

If you find yourself in a "Reformed / Presbyterian" church and your pastor says that your covenant children need to be "evangelized," I've got news for you.  Your pastor isn't really Reformed or Presbyterian.  He is really a Baptist.  He may not be dispensational.  He may not be Arminian or immersionist.  But he is a Baptist nevertheless.

Don't get me wrong, I love Baptists.  I just don't appreciate Baptists masquerading as Presbyterians on this issue.  Covenant children need covenant nurture and catechism, not evangelism.  Covenant children need to hear the Gospel, but they don't hear it as someone outside of the promises and oracles of God.  No.  They hear it as part of the family.  They hear it as those to whom God has said, "I will be your God and you will be My people."  It isn't an "if-then" statement, it is a "is-and" statement. 

Evangelism is for those who aren't family yet.  They're invited to be a part of the family.  We proclaim, persuade, and pray for them to become brothers and sisters.  But we are aware that they have no share yet in the "covenants of promise."  It is a whole different animal than covenant nurture. 

And that is the rub.  Consistent Baptists and inconsistent Presbyterians flatten the distinction between children of believers and people outside of the faith.  They think they both need to be evangelized.  What a cruel knot for covenant children to untangle.  "Ok, Billy, let's pray together before bed."  "Billy!  You need to repent and believe or you will go to hell!"  "Billy, let's sing, 'Jesus loves me.'"  "Billy, you need to make a profession of faith before the church!"  "Billy, great job memorizing your Bible verse this week!"  "Billy, I hope you accept Jesus in your heart at church camp."  "Billy, you can't have communion until you're old enough to understand what you're doing."

Let's help Billy and stop the schizophrenia.   Let's start by recognizing Baptist theology when we encounter it.

A Great Paedofaith Quote

I participated in a new small group this morning at church and we started by going around the table sharing testimonies.  We came to one of the elder statesman of the church and he started by saying, "I became a Christian during my mother's second trimester."  I don't believe he was kidding.

Beautiful.  I love that statement.  My pastor in Austin, TX, would say during baptisms that his hope and prayer was that the children of the church would never know a day they didn't know Jesus.  Amen!

4-Year-Old Faith

So I am a pretty big believer in paedo-faith, but my 4-year-old son, Jason, stretched me yet again last night.  He and I were alone in the house hanging-out and I said out loud to him (as if to my unknowing pet), "Jason, sometimes I just don't know what God is doing in our lives.  I just don't know."  He raised his hand and said, "Oh, Dad, I know.  I know what He is doing!"  I looked at him somewhat incredulously and replied, "Oh really?  What is He doing, Jason?"  Jason happily proclaimed, "He is protecting us, Dad.  He is protecting us."

Man, is that beautiful or what?

Boneman's Elementary Civic Lessons

This is what I teach my kids to expect from our government:

1.  Don't count on the government for your education.
2.  Don't count on the government for your general welfare.
3.  Don't count on the government for your retirement.
4.  Don't count on the government for your healthcare.
5.  Do count on the government to overtax you in horrific attempts to redistribute wealth.
6.  Do count on the government to create inflation and the business cycle.

That's about it.  I realize this isn't particularly patriotic or grateful, but in this culture it is what rises to the top.  Blurgh.

Should I Keep My Kids in Worship?

My wife and I have striven to keep our kids in worship for many reasons, but the biggest reason for me is... "grilled cheese." 

We could talk about covenant theology,  infant baptism, paedofaith, children addressed in Scripture, etc.  Those things are all important to me.  However, if we were really trying to drill down on my motivation it would be to give my kids a steady diet of home.

Gina and I grew up in liturgical churches.  The word was not preached with particular clarity in those contexts, but by the time we were in grade school we knew the Apostles Creed, the Gloria Patri, various forms of confession / absolution, hymns, and benedictions.  Despite walking away from these forms in search of better preaching during different phases of life, we could never shake the feeling of being "home" in a more liturgical service (albeit combined with good preaching as well!). 

Kids may or may not "get" what an adult "gets" from being in worship.  It depends on so much that it escapes generalization.  But look at what they do get in addition to exposure to content-filled worship forms - they see their mother, father, friends, and family singing hymns of faith, closing their eyes in confession, offering prayers of intercession, communing at the Lord's Table, opening their Bibles, giving tithes, and joyfully receiving benedictions.  Talk about priceless.

My conviction and hope is that my children not only profit from worship now, but perhaps even more in years to come.  If the day comes when they are tempted to stray or have strayed - my hope is that the smell of grilled cheese will bring them back home.  And if they never leave home they can continue to enjoy a good home-cooked meal.

Should you keep your kids in worship?  You betcha.

Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is older he shall not depart from it.

Movie Dad's Summer 2007 Reviews, Part 2

Transformers - (Disappointing) I think this is going to be the last time I utter the words, "the special effects were good."  Of course they were good, this isn't the Sci-Fi channel or something!  The story and the dialogue were as thin and hokey as it gets.  My favorite example of this is a scene when the teenage boy-hero has to get an artifact out of his room before the evil robots do it and annihilate the human race.  Even though the good robots urge him to hurry for the sake of the human race, the boy is worried about what his parents might do if they hear him rummaging around!  When his parents do hear noises and see lights they come and ask him if he has been... self-pleasuring in his room.  This isn't what I signed up for with this movie.  Instead of being entertained, I was bored, irritated, and inundated with corporate product placement (by the way, is there a new Camaro coming out?).  This movie was a huge disappointment and I put it in the category with other flops like The Hulk and The Fantastic Four.  Yuck.